Sometimes when I'm trying to explain the differences between Fe and Fi, it really does feel like "Fe Fi Fo Fum!" In other words, it starts to feel like a lot of nonsense and babble. Sheesh!
What doesn't make it any easier is the fact that INFJs can and do access Fi, while INFPs can and do access Fe. Just from differing levels of preference, grace, and with a different archetypal resonance.
Something I recently learned at a conference was enlightening. Dr. Berens stated that extraverted Feeling knows what other people want, while introverted Feeling knows what we ourselves want. And she gave a great example of how she and her husband will play that old game of, "Where do you want to go eat?" "I dunno. Where do you want to go eat?"
Dr. Berens says it is her daughter, the ENFJ, who knows immediately where both of them want to go eat. She just knows.
I related to this right away. I always know the right thing for my INTJ husband. He ignores me at his peril. I will tell him he doesn't want an appetizer, and he orders one anyway, and at the end of the meal he invariably says, "I should have listened to you. Ordering that appetizer was way too much food." Or I will tell him he's in the mood for Mexican, and we'll go have Chinese, and eventually he will confess that he would have liked the Mexican better.
Of course, he can never tell me what I want. He'll invite me to taste something, for example, and I will spit it into a napkin because it's so awful. (I assumed he knew I would like it!) Nowadays, when he invites me to taste something, I first ask him if I will like it. And you know what? He can't tell me!
So the question I might ask you is, how often do you know what you want, versus knowing what others want? (And I mean "knowing" as in knowing implicitly, not as in being told explicitly.)
You may negate this, or eliminate it from consideration as being impossible. You might think I'm making this up or even exaggerating for effect. I assure you I'm not. I know there are commonly-accepted beliefs in our society that claim we are universally self-involved and self-interested, but I say that isn't true. And if you don't believe me, try asking around. Ask a few people (especially if you suspect they prefer Fe!) whether they are more aware of what they want, or what others want. Test the assumption for yourself.
It can actually annoy me when somebody tells me what they want -- because I wonder if they think I am stupid and don't already know. Of course I know!
It strikes me that Fi's generally know right away who they are and what's right for them if they listen to themselves. And Fe's know right away what other people want or need, but are frequently at sea when it comes to figuring out what they want for themselves. (It's hard to hear that "other" voice.)
Gifts are another example of that. Fe's know exactly the right gift for other people without asking, but will twist themselves in knots trying to determine what they want for themselves. They'd struggle to write a letter to ask Santa for what they want. Fi's know what they want for themselves, but can tie themselves in knots figuring out what to give other people.
So perhaps a "test" for Fe or Fi might be how comfortable you are completing the following sentence:
I want _______________________.
Depending on how well you perform that task, draft a letter to Santa Claus and tell him what you want for yourself. Include a minimum of 5 specific things that are ideal for you -- and they're probably not "things"!
Your success in these endeavors may reveal how much hankering you have to do Fi.
If you really think you've got a knack for Fe, try mind-reading. As an experiment, begin telling people what you think they want, and then check with them about how often you nail it.
Then sit down and draft a letter for Santa Claus and tell him what your best friend wants. Include a minimum of 5 specific things, and later ask your friend how well you did!
And then pay attention as you go forward. When you are with others, do you more easily connect to what you want, or do you more easily connect to what they want? (All without being verbalized, of course!)
Let me know how this works for you.
