Comments
on The
Reciprocity Factor
From an INFP:
Hi Vicky Jo.
I love your "INFJ or INFP" website and want to comment on The
Reciprocity Factor.
When it comes to reciprocity, I think the big difference between an
INFJ and an INFP is the type of reciprocity expected. This, I think,
is due to the difference in Fi and Fe.
Both INFPs and INFJs want to receive love for what they do, but they
define love differently. Fe sees "love" as active service
while Fi
sees "love" as valuing a person for who they are.
This is one of the main points of conflict between my wife (an ESFJ)
and myself (INFP). While both of us have Feeling as our dominant
function, the orientation is different. Words mean little to her, and
she needs to see active service to know that I love her (those acts
also have to be practical because of her Si auxiliary function). On
the other hand, I need to know that she values me for who I am.
When I do someone a favor, I do not expect a favor (an Fe activity) in
return. In fact, I bristle at the thought because that does not seem
genuine to me. What I expect is to be valued/liked (an Fi desire) for
what I did.
In fact, nothing frustrates me more than being criticized after doing
someone a favor. I naturally expect others to be grateful for any
effort I voluntarily give them, and I expect them to like me as a
result.
For example, several years ago I gave someone a ride home after a
single's event. It was out of my way and it took several hours of my
free time. Afterward, I didn't expect or even want any favors in
return. However, the other person later attacked my character (I
suspect this was because he saw me as a rival in the group). This
baffled me because I felt he broke the unspoken contract (I do you a
favor, then you like me).
In a similar manner, I do not feel driven to repay acts of kindness
with other acts of kindness. Instead, I'm driven to let the person
know how much I value them. I do this directly (by complimenting and
thanking them), and indirectly (by telling someone else how much I
value the person, and then hoping it gets back to them).
Hope this makes sense.
Feedback from Dario:
an INFP writes:
>>Both INFPs and INFJs want to receive love for
what they do, but they
define love differently. Fe sees "love" as active service
while Fi
sees "love" as valuing a person for who they are.<<
What does this mean to me when I read it?
My mom, an ENFJ. often says "thank you (for what you did)"
while my ENFP sister
says "that was great, I really enjoyed that." To my mom, my
sister forgot
to say thank you. To my sister, saying thank you is phony/maudlin. The
saying thank you is "active service" while my sister's
enjoyment is enough
in itself.
Similarly, to my mom it's vital that she and my sister share the same
values, while my sister only cares that they share the valuing of values
- she wants to be loved regardless of whether her values match
my mom's.
I agree with "active service" because NFJs have extraverted
Sensing at play
(so-to-speak) and enjoy tangible proof of affection.
The one caveat I'd make is the NFPs very much have a go-with-the-flow
style, which means they might find themselves doing/saying things a
certain way just as part of going along with how others around them are
doing things. Similarly, NFJ's can be very empathic (when they care to)
to
the point of losing themselves in the other person's style.
Differentiating here is hard I suspect because everything we're talking
about is influenced by temperament too.
From a type expert with INFP preferences:
Whilst I would say that reciprocity is in general an F
trait, the way it is described in your article does not fit for me with
INFP preferences. I don't 'keep score', rather I expect
reciprocity because I sometimes expect others to operate with the same
types of values that I do - honesty, integrity, win-win solutions etc..
On the other hand, I won't 'give' something always expecting something
in return - I've learned the hard way that people are not like that,
even though I wish they were.
I discuss 'reciprocity' of apologies on MBTI workshops, and find that it
tends to be a general F trait. The difference with your INFJ
description is that I don't keep score.
I'm not sure I agree with the bit about "complimenting"
people, for example, as giving compliments can feel like an inauthentic
activity.
I hope that helps.
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