Codependence is one of those juicy terms that can be defined just about any way you want. It's a label we can slap on so many behaviors and then point a wagging finger. Catalysts as a rule tend to get labeled by this "shortcoming," and sometimes we begin running in circles trying to uncover the pattern and obliterate it without giving up our best self. Whew!
The term "codependence" originated in the field of alcoholism treatment, first referring to the people who "enabled" an alcoholic to remain addicted. Here's Merriam-Webster's definition:
Main Entry: co·de·pen·den·cy
Pronunciation: -d&n(t)-sE
Function: noun
: a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as an addiction to alcohol or heroin)
- co·de·pen·dent/-d&nt/ noun or adjective
I have always struggled with identifying myself as codependent, because I was never in a relationship with a substance addict. And yet there were some patterns in my behavior that did not serve me when it came to relationships. It became a challenge to sort this out. So what is codependence exactly?
Codependence Is An Unconscious Agreement
Codependence is an agreement between people to stay locked in unconscious patterns. Let's break it down and look at the dependent part of the word:
Main Entry: 1de·pen·dent
Pronunciation: di-'pen-d&nt
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English dependant, from Middle French, present participle of dependre
1 : hanging down
2 a : determined or conditioned by another : CONTINGENT b (1) : relying on another for support (2) : subject to another's jurisdiction d : SUBORDINATE
There you have it: codependence occurs when your behavior is determined by someone else's, when others rely on you to maintain their destructive behaviors and addictions, and when you are subordinate to others and thereby not true to your own feelings. The first definition -- hanging down -- is particularly revealing, because depression inevitably accompanies codependence.
When we are codependent, we do not have relationships, we have entanglements. Relationships can exist only between equals; inequality is a hallmark of codependence. Our dictionary defines entanglement as a snare and a complication. It is "a net, from which escape is difficult." The dictionary says that two things are entangled when they are enfolded upon each other in such a way that the freedom of each is limited. This is exactly what codependence is. It is also an unconscious conspiracy between two or more people to feel bad and to limit each other's potential. The basic contract is: If I allow you to sleepwalk through life, you won't make me wake up either. If I agree not to grow, you won't either. If I don't insist that you change your bad habits, you won't leave me or make me challenge my bad habits. No matter what the deal, it never works. No one has ever been truly happy, awake, and alive in an entanglement.
Codependence Is Inequality
Healthy relationships exist only between equal, whole persons. If two people in a relationship have agreed to be less than whole, their problems are multiplied. For example, when you multiply 1/2 times 1/2, you get 1/4, less than you had on your own. This is how codependence works. Two people come into relationship and limit each other's potential. They end up with less than they had before. The relationship is blamed, often for many years, but it was never a relationship at all. It was an entanglement that began with a tiny moment of unconsciousness and mushroomed into something that brought pain.
Codependence Is An Addiction to Control and Approval
Codependents often do not touch liquor or drugs, but they are addicted, nonetheless, to something much subtler: control and approval. Often these pernicious addictions continue long after any substance addictions have been resolved. One of our codependence clients in recovery put the problem very eloquently after a breakthrough session: "Now I feel a center of light and God-consciousness in me, but I've never been able to contact or express it before. Instead, all my thoughts were about how I could manipulate people to give me what I want or how I could get them to like me. I've never had a single pure thought before." This man made a profound discovery: When you can break through your approval and control programming, there is a natural, organic, spiritual essence within you that can be consciously experienced. As long as we try to control ourselves and others, and as long as we strive to get others to like us, that spiritual essence is obscured. When we wake up and start loving ourselves, we claim our divine right.
Control and approval should be treated like any other addiction -- stopping the addiction is only the beginning. Once any substance addiction ends, all the problems it masked rush forward to grab one's attention. Fortunately, the greater energy that is freed through stopping the substance addiction is now at one's disposal to handle these problems. We invite you to stop the addiction to controlling other people. We invite you to stop centering your life on seeking approval or avoiding disapproval. Notice how you are controlling and jockeying for approval and drop these patterns -- for a minute at first. Then an hour. Then go without them for a whole day, then one day at a time thereafter. Others have done it, and you can too. We want you to make the discovery that there is a completely lovable essence at the center of you that is beyond all your strivings. As you uncover it, you and your loved ones will change as a result.
The drive for approval, and to avoid disapproval, dominates the relationships of codependents. As one woman put it, "Before I started loving myself and feeling good about me, all my moves were based on trying to get people to like me or to keep them from disliking me. This led me to do a lot of things I didn't want to do. This was a particular problem with men. They would ask me to do something -- even have sex -- and I would override my own feelings to please them or to keep them from thinking something bad about me. Of course it never worked. I felt so bad afterward that I would find some other way to mess up the relationship. Then they wouldn't like me anyway. I always ended up creating the thing I was afraid would happen." This is exactly what happens in codependence: we act from motivations of control and approval instead of from our essence, and we end up creating the opposite of what we really want.
Are You Codependent?
Ask yourself whether you have some of the following issues in your relationships:
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In spite of your "best efforts," people around you do not change their bad habits.
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You have difficulty allowing others to feel their feelings. If someone feels bad, you rush in to make it better, because you think it's your fault. You worry about other people's feelings frequently.
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You have secrets. There are things you have done or not done that you are hiding from another person.
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You do not let yourself feel the full range of your feelings. You are out of touch with one or more core emotions such as anger, fear, or sadness. Anger is a particular problem for you. You find it hard to admit that you're angry, and you have trouble expressing it to other people.
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You criticize or get criticized frequently. You have a strong, nagging internal critic that keeps you feeling bad even in moments when you could be feeling good.
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You try to control other people, to get them to feel and be a certain way, and you spend a lot of energy being controlled or avoiding being controlled by others.
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Your arguments tend to recycle. Conflicts are temporarily ended by one person apologizing and promising to do better.
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In arguments, much energy is spent in trying to find out whose fault it is. Both people struggle to prove that they are right, or to prove the other wrong.
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In arguments, you find yourself pleading that you are a victim or agreeing that you were at fault.
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You frequently agree to do things you do not want to do, feel bad about it, but say nothing.
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People seem not to keep their agreements with you.
By now you should be wondering what this topic has to do with INFJ and INFP. Well, let's see if I can connect the dots for you.
In the Beebe Archetypes model, the second-favored process of the personality channels the archetype known as the "Good Parent." It is the kindly, trusted advisor that "parents" others. When others around you are experiencing deep distress, this is also the process that comes forward to offer support and assistance. For INFJs, the process of extraverted Feeling channels the Good Parent, while for INFPs, the process of extraverted iNtuition channels the Good Parent. It's the same archetype in both personality patterns, but it's channeled through two dramatically different cognitive processes.
Now this is the "right hand" of the personality, so it is a very powerful expression of Self -- and for all introverted types, this is the process they use to interface with the external world. (Ironically, we are rarely able to use it to help ourselves.)
This is also the archetype that creates codependence when it is over-used or over-relied on.
As Dr. Beebe has observed, some folks do Thinking for other people, others of us do Feeling for other people, some people do iNtuiting for others, and some folks do Sensing for them. So the auxiliary process is about how we do things for other people (things we often can't do well for ourselves).
Oh yes... that right hand you rely on is the very thing that betrays you with codependence.
The question to ask yourself is, where in your life do you "take care of others" to your own detriment -- to the extent you don't know where you end and they begin? Where do others agree to be "helpless" and you step into the role of "taking care of them" or "doing it for them"?
Jung says,
In order to be conscious of myself, I must be able to distinguish myself from others. Relationship can only take place where this distinction exists."
When you examine your points of entanglement, you usually discover the auxiliary process is operating on autopilot, without consciousness. (And everyone has a tendency to do this -- even my INTJ husband does it with unconscious extraverted Thinking "caretaking.")
Now, you can approach this inquiry from two ways -- to either look at where you are codependent and ascertain which process is creating it; or, to look at how you manifest each of these processes and ascertain which one is causing codependent patterns.
So for INFJs, codependence is activated through extraverted Feeling. It may show up as not letting others feel bad, needing others to be a particular way, finding fault, giving advice, being a self-righteous martyr, not being able to admit anger (or being rageful), and "fixing" people. It shows up as doing things for other people, being a saint, and getting sucked into other people's busy-ness.
For INFPs, codependence is activated through extraverted iNtuition. It may show up as reading between the lines about what people need or want, and then concealing boundaries in order to people-please. It is usually about coming up with new possibilities for people, and trying to get others to see new or better perspectives. It can also look like going too much with the flow, making agreements they don't intend to keep, making others right at the expense of their own authenticity, and wanting to "control" others, often around possibilities.
For both types, it usually shows up as people-pleasing -- as an attempt to maintain connection regardless of cost. It is all too easy for INFs to slip into victimhood, and to sell out their authenticity for the "sake of the relationship." It shows up in both types as "taking care of others at the expense of self" -- but the way "taking care of" is manifested provides an indication of which type process is being channeled.
It's scary to meet people who are so locked into their pattern of codependence that they don't see what's wrong with "selling themselves out" this way. To them I say, "Wake up!" Here's a quote I really like:
"You cannot fake a relationship and feel right with yourself or anyone else. Changing yourself to fit what you think other people want doesn’t work. Pretending to be someone other than yourself only broadens the distance between the person you are and the one with whom you’re trying to establish closeness."
-- Mary Manin Morrissey
And if that isn't enough to convince you, please follow this link.
What Is Co-Commitment?
A co-committed relationship is one in which two ore more people support each other in being whole, complete individuals. The commitment is to going all the way, to letting the relationship be the catalyst for the individuals to express their full potential and creativity. In a co-committed relationship between two people, each takes 100 percent responsibility for his or her life and for the results each creates. There are no victims in co-committed relationships. In fact, victimhood is impossible when both people are willing to acknowledge that they are the cause of what happens to them. There is little conflict, because neither person plays the accusatory, victim role. With the energy saved through lessened conflict, both people are free to express more creativity.
Co-Commitment Leads to Co-Creativity
Co-commitment leads to the ultimate reward in close relationships: co-creativity. A co-creative relationship is one in which two people access more of their creativity as a result of their loving interaction. Out of the harmony of a co-committed relationship springs an enhanced energy that enables both partners to make a greater contribution than either one could have made alone. It is rare, and absolutely worth it.
I provide an "authenticity assessment" on my INFJ.com website, if you would like to check how authentic you're being. (It seems to me that authenticity is the antidote to codependence.)
adapted from Conscious Loving: The Journey to
Co-Commitment
by Gay
Hendricks & Kathlyn Hendricks
