I must give Dario credit for letting me know about this one. I've given it a fancy label, but it's really quite simple. INFJs tend to live by The Golden Rule that claims if I do something nice for you, then you'll do something nice for me. And they tend to work off a quid pro quo system of knowing who they owe and who owes them. This mindset includes believing that when they do nice things for other people that debt will be honorably repaid. In my case, doing a favor for someone represents a "chit" that I can exchange for a reciprocal favor down the road. But INFJs are often disappointed to discover this Golden Rule application doesn't necessarily hold up well in everyday practice. All too often they are taken advantage of by other people who don't live by the same quid pro quo. It's happened to me so many times you'd think I'd have a clue by now -- but I continue operating with a "Golden Rule" mindset. In fact, I'll share an INFJ quote about it:
Self-esteem diminishes when I am betrayed by friends I have helped and trusted.
Portraits of Self-Esteem, Bonnie J. Golden
Now before you assume I'm too petty for words, let me tell you some of the sacrifices I've made so you grasp the scale I'm talking about. I co-habited with a life partner for eight years and helped him develop and write screenplays with the understanding that he would help me in return when he became successful. (I even supported him for a year so he could devote himself to writing.) You already know the punchline -- he never repaid the debt. And now he claims he was "entitled" to my help and owes me nothing for my troubles.
In a similar vein, I once took it upon myself to go to my bookshelf and write a list and mini-review of all my Type books on behalf of an INFJ list that was developing its website. Around a year ago, they removed my credit from the list (but kept credits for other people), and ignored my demands to either credit me appropriately or remove all my contributions. I guess they thought they were "entitled" to my list.
There are several people I've spent a great deal of time and effort teaching Type concepts to who have basically treated me like dirt, a doormat, or even stuck a knife in my back -- which took me by complete surprise. And the list of things I've done like this -- assuming I would receive some form of eventual repayment or at least gratitude -- just goes on and on. One of my ENFJ clients calls people who never return favors in kind "emotional vampires." So there's an interesting label.
So I'm not suggesting I'm invested in some petty reciprocal system about who buys who lunch -- I'm talking about abundant amounts of my time, effort, and even money to help people that was taken for granted in some distressing way. And I'm not even saying I require "pay-back" -- I simply want to be acknowledged for the things I've done!
In keeping with this "honor system" of mine, when somebody does something for me, I feel like the debt can never be fully repaid. I can think of at least one important favor that I believe will never be paid off and has earned my everlasting loyalty -- and I act on that loyalty by saying good things to the person and about the person in respect to how they helped me. Even when I have severed friendship I still acknowledge people for things they did for me -- I don't take that away from them. So at least I'm consistent around this point--I pay attention to "who owes me a favor" and "who I owe a favor to." And yes, I do keep "score."
I'm very clear that this is my extraverted Feeling at work. As type expert Gary Hartzler tells me, "Extraverted Feeling draws out other peoples' beliefs, emotions, or ideas. After identifying other people's needs, extraverted Feeling will try, when possible, to meet those needs, even at great cost to their own needs and/or psychic harmony." Which sounds like extraverted Feeling has a habit of being the "martyr" when people don't give anything back or take their generous gifts for granted.
Dario made the pointed observation to me that NFPs don't operate by these principles. I'm hoping an NFP will chime in with some clarification around this point (it's still pretty raw, as you can tell), but I'm guessing that having Fi higher in their hierarchy than Fe means NFPs are less inclined to do something for others they don't feel like doing in the first place -- and thus they assume if you do something for them then it's something you wanted to do anyway. Make sense?
NFPs seem to eschew this medium of exchanging favors. I have even heard NFPs hang negative labels on people who operate with my mindset -- codependent and needy being two of them.
I remember an INFP friend remarking that he would gladly throw a rope down in a hole to help somebody out, but he wouldn't get down in the hole with them. You can see by my track record that I'll get down in the hole with them, bring candy and a CD player, and have them take a break while I take over shoveling them out. Introverted Feeling sympathizers observe on the sidelines, but extraverted Feeling wears game shoes.
I apologize for not balancing this point better (usually I try to be fair to both types, and I know I failed in this section) -- my excuse is that it might help another INF figure out the rest of their code, and in the meantime I'm seeking input to round out the perspective.
Please don't write and tell me what I should or should not do -- that sort of moralizing ignores the point of this section (and entire website). My point is how INFJs and INFPs are different in this regard. I can only write about this from a one-sided point of view -- and I'm being honest about myself and not pretending I'm faultless! I'm hoping my admission will help you clarify your own type preference.
For the record, I'm not the only one who thinks about this kind of thing: see here.
I've also read that this method of exchange is sometimes called social capital.
(I
plan to rewrite this page based on feedback I've gotten. In the
meantime, here are comments
from an INFP
and two type experts' comments on the comments that will guide my
rewrite.)
