After a conversation I had yesterday, I was compelled to write this section. It was a discussion around ethics. And it caused me to start speculating about what determines our ethics.
First, an agreement on what ethics are: it seems to be about actions, our behavior. According to Dr. John Beebe: "The ethical act gives us a sense of identity... we find out who we are by our ethical acts." So, our ethics define who we truly are.
According to the dictionary, ethics are "a set of moral principles or values."
What I find interesting in that statement is that I think introverted Feeling is more concerned with "values," and extraverted Feeling is more concerned with "morals."
To clarify this distinction, let us agree that values are personal, while morals are cultural (shared).
Here's an example of how this difference manifests in a relationship, using "rudeness" as a trigger:
My husband and I determine levels of rudeness quite differently. (He prefers
introverted Feeling while I prefer extraverted Feeling.)
An actual example we talked about recently: we both agree it's pretty rude to
walk out in the middle of, say, a sermon or a concert when there's a small
audience/congregation and it's rather obvious to the speaker/performer. This
is something else that's culturally ingrained, since in other societies people come
and go in church services or concerts without anybody thinking twice about it.
However, for me it would be perfectly OK to leave if it was a big room and
nobody else was worried by my leaving. I also have no problems with walking
out of a theatre or cinema if I don't like what's being shown -- so long as I
don't have to climb over dozens of other people and annoy them. However, my
husband believes that if he sits down to watch or listen to anything in a group
-- even a film at a cinema! -- then it would be rude to get up and leave, even if
it doesn't disturb anybody. Once again, my sense of rudeness is based on
whether or not other people will be offended, and his is based on internal
values.
What I love about this example is that they each have discovered their own level of rudeness, realize what it's based on (either values or morals), and don't make each other wrong over it.
It's quite easy to imagine how he might feel entitled to have a go at her if she walked out of a movie she wasn't enjoying. And, by the same token, she might feel entitled to have a go at him if he didn't conform to a social convention regarding something he had a conflicting value about. (Maybe he doesn't like putting up a Christmas tree when everybody else does!)
Dario says that introverted Feeling often has an attitude of "live and let live." He tells about having a conversation with his uncle, who apparently had invited Dario to drop by anytime. Dario hadn't seen him in over a year, and the uncle asked why Dario hadn't ever come by. And Dario explained, "I didn't feel like it." He knew that would be alright with the uncle, because the uncle preferred introverted Feeling and would perfectly understand. Me, I'm still shocked! Shocked! My extraverted Feeling may never recover. It Just Isn't Done!
In contrast, I'm more comfortable when everybody is "on the same page." I'm fascinated by social mores, and have read "Miss Manners" from cover-to-cover. I actually care about using the correct fork, or wearing appropriate clothes. (I'm responsible for the scene in "Pretty Woman" where Julia Roberts panics over how to conduct herself at dinner.) I think proper manners oil the social machinery and make it work. I also care that "every vote counts," and a Right to Free Speech is embedded in my psyche. I like to know I'm in step with everybody else, but will battle to uphold social values if I see them being trampled. I believe sustaining cultural norms preserves our society as a whole.
And I notice this is an area where the types often demonize one another. Selfish vs. superficial? Slave to fashion vs. anti-social? Our language features many labels for making others wrong around this difference.
Naturally we all traffic in a little bit of both. And when values and morals align, it works well for everybody. These are the ethics everyone agrees on. But when they're out of synch -- uh oh! We may not recognize it consciously, but we secretly wish everyone operated with the same attitude we do. These are the philosophical differences that cause war!
So which is stronger for you -- values or morals? Which one are you more in tune with -- the inner voice, or the outer culture? Are you more conscious of what other people think, or of what you yourself think? Neither one is wrong (although it may seem that way) -- it's simply an indication of your preference.
This is an important question that goes well beyond the confines of type.
